DeathCare (.com)

One of my aunts died last year, and – fortunately – my uncle was willing to talk about her death. I learned from him how she viewed her world as she was dying. I also learned about what she needed to leave this world in peace.

Although the information below was specific to my aunt, some items in this list probably are universal. And, although she didn’t die suddenly and had time to finalize many wishes, this list can serve as a reminder that many individuals do die suddenly, with little time to accomplish goals. Therefore, this list can serve as a template for anyone who wants to leave a promising legacy.

• Settling Finances: If you’ve been frugal during your life, this goal might not be difficult to accomplish. If your finances are in disarray, you might take a look at how you can straighten them out so that you don’t leave behind problems for loved ones. Find a financial adviser to help you with your goals, and learn more about how to leave money to your beneficiaries. The best time to accomplish this task is when you’re feeling healthy.
• Find an Advocate: My aunt’s husband was her advocate, as he was able to represent her to her doctors and hospice care workers when she couldn’t represent herself. The advocate needs to know your wishes for treatment, how you want to end your days and to talk for you if you are unable to communicate. This person will enable you to manage any pain, to support you at the end of life and to help you die with dignity.
• Establish an Ethical Will: In an ethical will, you can say how and where you want to die, and under certain medical circumstances. This will enables your advocate to argue your case with doctors and even with lawyers. In this will, you can describe your funeral (which you can pay for in advance) and leave last messages (your financial will manages your bequeaths).
• Ignorance is Not Bliss: My uncle and his wife learned everything they could about her illness so they could prepare for the future. He went so far as to learn about the signs of death from her hospice care so he could recognize when the end of her life was imminent. To say that this made the end of her life that much more intimate to them both would be an understatement.
• Make Amends: My aunt was feisty. There were some people she could forgive…and forget totally. Some people aren’t that lucky. If you have battles that keep you awake at night, you might want to settle them now. If you’ve hurt others and you know about it, ask them how that hurt can be healed. If others have hurt you, talk with them about it and be gracious in your responses. The point is to leave this life with dignity and in peace.
• Reach Out: Professionals are available to help you and your family members talk about death and dying. These guides can be found in funeral homes, hospices, psychology offices, churches and hospitals. They have been trained to know what the dying person needs, including hope, faith and encouragement within the context of the situation, lessons about stress and grief management. Death, no matter if sudden or slow, is a powerful tool that can be wielded by the dying and mismanaged by the family. Guides can help to cut through barriers to help those who want to move past the anger and sadness that can permeate their lives.
• Safety and Support: A dying person can feel very vulnerable, and safe environments are tantamount to their well-being. These environments are physical, but they also can be emotional and psychological – they need to feel safe to discuss sensitive issues and to reveal raw emotions with loved ones and with others. Some cancer patients and their families, for instance, can find solace in groups filled with individuals with similar illnesses.
• Physical Care: My aunt, even in the last stages of her illness, wanted to feel “whole” and strong. She would take walks and try to keep up with chores and her daily routines. Her husband knew not to interfere. When she became bedridden, she finally allowed him to take on her part of the work. Part of her insistence in carrying on “as usual” was to face death with pride. On the other hand, physical activity helped her to maintain a positive attitude, as these activities helped her to avoid thinking about the end of her life.

When my aunt did become bedridden, my uncle stopped everything except the daily arrival of the hospice caretakers. My aunt wanted to die at home with her husband, and everyone respected her wishes. My uncle stayed by her side for three nights and days until she died.

My uncle is doing well today. I have no doubt that he has his sad moments, but I believe that the steps that he and his wife took to help her transition from life to death helped them both to face this trial with pride and love. I hope they help you as well.

Filed under: Caregivers, Death & Dying, Hospice on November 18th, 2008