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Redefining Domestic Partnerships and Funeral Arrangements in Rhode Island

Wednesday, November 11th, 2009

Governor Donald Carcieri

The latest in deathcare news came today from Rhode Island, as that state’s Governor Don Carcieri vetoed a bill that would allow gays and lesbians in his state to plan funeral arrangements for their deceased partners. According to Governor Carcieri’s response [PDF] to that bill, he equated death care to marriage when he stated:

“…this bill represents a disturbing trend over the past few years of the incremental erosion of the principles surrounding traditional marriage, which is not the preferred way to approach this issue. If the General Assembly believes it would like to address the issue of domestic partnership, it should place the issue on the ballot and let the people of the State of Rhode Island decide.”

The bill in question for Governor Carcieri is 2009 S 0195 [PDF], an Act Relation to Businesses and Professions – Funeral Director/Embalmer Funeral Service Establishments, introduced by Senators Perry, Jabour, Miller, C Levesque and Pichardo. The bill, introduced in February this year, addresses domestic partners without stating sexual preferences of those partners. Instead, the definition is presented as:

…a person who, prior to the decedent’s death, was in an exclusive, intimate and committed relationship with the decedent, and who certifies by affidavit that their relationship met the following qualifications:

Both partners were at least eighteen (18) years of age and were mentally competent to contract;

Neither partner is married to anyone else;

Partners were not related by blood to a degree which would prohibit marriage in the state of Rhode Island;

Partners resided together and had resided together for at least one year at the time of death; and

Partners were financially interdependent as evidenced by at least two (2) of the following:

Domestic partnership agreement or relationship contract;

Joint mortgage or joint ownership of primary residence;

Two (2) of the following:

Joint ownership of motor vehicle;

Joint checking account;

Joint credit account;

Joint lease; and/or

The domestic partner had been designated as a beneficiary for the decedent’s will, retirement contract or life insurance.

How the governor read “gay” or “lesbian” into this agreement is bewildering, as our first thoughts were that many straight couples cannot meet the requirements for this agreement if they are residing together in a domestic partnership without marriage. But, he did, and his take on this definition for domestic partnerships reads:

“Notwithstanding the fact that there are a number of other sections in the Rhode Island General Laws that define a domestic partnership in the same manner, I believe the standard set forth deserves reconsideration by the General Assembly…A one (1) year time period for any relationship is not a sufficient length of duration to establish a serious, lasting bond between two (2) individuals to supplant the surviving individual over traditional family members relative to the sensitive personal traditions and issues regarding funeral arrangement, burial rights, and disposal of human remains. Many casual relationships last for longer than a year.”

While the Gay Rights blog at Change.org is in an uproar over this veto, heterosexual couples might take notice of this veto as well. While you may be residing in domestic partnership bliss, unknown circumstances can alter your lives forever. One way to avoid government interference into your funeral plans and to take care of your loved ones at the same time is to plan ahead for your funeral arrangements.

By planning ahead, you – and you alone – have control over your funeral options.

Tags: domestic partnerships, Rhode Island
Posted in Death Care News, Funeral Arrangements, Plan Your Own | No Comments »

From Cradle to Grave: WalMart’s Caskets

Monday, November 2nd, 2009

Walmart Caskets

Walmart always had an eye for growth. Before Walmart opened in 1962, Sam Walton traveled the country to learn everything he could learn about discount retailing. Within a decade, Walton had fifteen Walmart stores and the chain went public, offering stock for the first time on the New York Stock Exchange in 1972.

That capital infusion allowed Walton to grow to 276 stores in eleven states by 1980. In 1983, the first Sam’s Club members-only warehouse opened and in 1988, the first Walmart Supercenter opened. By 1989, customers could shop at over 1,402 Walmart stores and 123 Sam’s Club locations. Sales increased from $1 billion in 1980 to $26 billion by 1989.

Today, with over 8,000 stores and club location in fourteen markets that server more than 176 million customers per year, Walmart has grown to represent the lives of many baby boomers as well as X and Y generations. When a customer walks into a WalMart store today, he or she can purchase any item for any of life’s needs and desires from diapers to caskets.

Caskets?

Yes, caskets. Walmart has created a beta site that currently offers a range of a little over a dozen casket styles and prices. You can choose from among the Regal Wide Body Steel Casket that is four inches wider than standard-sized caskets for about $1,200. You can choose the Lady de Guadalupe Steel Casket for just $895. Or, you can go all out for the Sienna Bronze Casket with hand-crafted brushed-finished highlights and hand-sewn velvet interior. This is the highest-priced casket at the moment, going for $2,899.00.

For opponents who contest Walmart’s sources for merchandise, those advocates for ‘made in the U.S.A’ materials can rest easy. All Walmart caskets currently are made and assembled in America. And, while caskets are not carried in stores, the shipping costs are reasonable. You can ship the casket straight to the funeral home if needed immediately, or store it in the attic as an hedge against future inflation.

In his autobiography, Walton wrote, “…if you think about it from the point of view of the customer, you want everything: a wide assortment of quality merchandise; the lowest possible prices; guaranteed satisfaction; friendly, knowledgeable service; convenient hours; and a pleasant shopping experience.”

Now, a Walmart customer can experience it all, from diapers to wedding rings to more diapers and, finally, caskets. A true birth-to-death experience, all under one roof.

Tags: casket, Sam Walton
Posted in Alternatives, Funeral Arrangements, Plan Your Own | No Comments »

Top Ten Alternative Funeral Songs in the U.K.

Tuesday, October 20th, 2009

This past January, the Telegraph reported on alternative funeral songs, listing ten top choices among 764 people questioned for the survey in the U.K. The video above won the top spot on that list, a cheery tune from Monty Python entitled, “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life.”

The tune is from the Life of Brian film, and it beat out competition from The Jam’s “Going Underground” and The Animals’ “We Gotta Get Out of This Place.” According to the Telegraph:

The survey, commissioned by the Children’s Society, also found that nine out of ten people found talking about funeral arrangements more difficult than talking about sex…A spokesman for the society said it appeared people were turning away from “serious” funeral tunes such as Robbie Williams’ Angels in an effort to make the experience a more uplifting one.

Lorraine Groves from the Children’s Society said: “Funerals have changed a lot in the past few years – more people are planning ahead to make their funerals personal and reflective of themselves.

“We know many people prefer a simple affair and would rather their mourners give donations in memory rather than lots of flowers, along with a little lighthearted twist during the proceedings like an alternative song.”

Here is the list, with links to videos at YouTube in case you’re so old you’ve forgotten the lyrics (let alone the most excellent outfits and makeup provided by artists such as Dr. and the Medics…):

Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life – Eric Idle / Monty Python (above)
Cabaret – Liza Minnelli
Wish Me Luck As You Wave Me Goodbye – Gracie Fields
My Way – Sid Vicious
They’re Coming To Take Me Away, Ha-Haaa – Napoleon
Fame! I Want To Live Forever – The cast of Fame (not the original in this video, but you can get the idea)
We’ve Gotta Get Out Of This Place – The Animals
Going Underground – The Jam
Spirit In The Sky – Dr and The Medics
Enjoy Yourself, It’s Later Than You Think – The Specials (this one performed by The Busters)

Tags: alternative funeral music, humor
Posted in Alternatives, Funeral Arrangements, Funeral Songs, Plan Your Own | No Comments »

Notes on the Old-Fashioned Home Funeral

Saturday, October 10th, 2009

Some thoughts about the home funeral

When the family Bible was passed down to me, I discovered a black flattened rose and a piece of black lace within the pages of that book. When I asked my aunt about these tokens, she responded, “Oh, those are from grandma’s funeral.” She began to tell me about how my great-grandmother’s casket was draped with roses and about the black lace dress that she wore to her grave.

That’s when I learned about how my father’s side of the family conducted their funerals. In every death from the time the house was built in 1900 to when my great grandfather died in 1953, the viewing for the body was held in my grandmother’s parlor, or ‘front room.’

The front room of most houses at the time were not used for television or any other entertainment except, perhaps, for the occasional piano recital. My grandmother’s front room contained two couches, a coffee table and a piano, along with a side table that held said Bible. It was in this room where the dead lay in state for loved ones to visit before the burial. For all intents, this room served as the family funeral parlor.

While I learned much about my great-grandmother’s death and funeral from this exchange with my aunt, other questions remain. These questions were brought to mind with an article that was published this year in Funeral Home News. In this piece, the author interviewed Douglas Ferguson, a man who worked in the Prince Edward Island, Canada, funeral industry since the mid-twentieth century.

Ferguson recalled that when he took ownership of the former Claude Jelley Funeral Home in O’Leary in 1958, that nine out of ten visitations were conducted in people’s homes. At the time, he recalls that people felt it was disgraceful to leave a body at the funeral home. He also mentions the “parlour,” much like the one in my grandmother’s home.

But, Ferguson also brings some other points to light, things I never considered:

“I’ve seen them go into houses and put beams underneath to hold the floor. If you put 50 extra people in a house, you know the weight that’s there,” said Ferguson, the senior member of the P.E.I. Funeral Directors and Embalmers Association.

Sometimes, because of the way the home was laid out, carrying the casket in and out, was no easy undertaking. “So you had to go in through a window. Take a window out, shove the casket in and carry a battery for light,” Ferguson commented.

I had to think about the width of my grandmother’s front room door when I read those comments. How did they get my great-grandmother’s casket in and out of that house? Did they need to supply supports for the front room floor?

Fortunately, my aunt still is among the living and her memory remains clear, so I’ll pose those questions to her and report back with my findings if she knows the answers. But, for those of you who are considering a funeral at home, you might think about these issues as well.

In the meantime, you can read more about Mr. Ferguson and his lasting legacy on his community, as he seeks to serve families in their times of need as he recounts how he and his family lived above the funeral home he purchased in 1963 (shades of Six Feet Under!).

Tags: casket, roses, viewing
Posted in Death & Dying, Death Practices, Funeral Arrangements, History of Funerals, Plan Your Own, Traditions | No Comments »

You Can Celebrate Your Life at Bcelebrated.com

Monday, October 5th, 2009

Bcelebrated.com

Although some people don’t like to think about death, a chronic condition or some near-death experience often alters those views. Brushing up against the grim reaper often motivates people to look at the brighter side of life and to think about how their deaths might affect others. Often, such a profound experience forces some individuals to develop a deeper sense of introspection.

Such was the case with Barbara Houston, who stated, “one of the greatest gifts of my life was getting Cancer…It didn’t change who I am. It just helped me discover other sides of myself. I also discovered more about the people around me. For the first time I can remember I was the one in need. I had to rely on others. I had to not only accept help, but at times I had to reach out and ask for it directly. That has been a real challenge for me. It’s taken courage to do it.”

Barbara left that journal entry online at Bcelebrated. com, a site where anyone can document their life as they live it, knowing their words and images will automatically be shared with friends, family and community when they pass away. Members can journal their life by adding stories, visuals and music to an autobiographical memorial website. Members’ contacts are automatically notified by email and invited to visit the member’s site. Friends and family have the opportunity to read his or her life story, share comments, donate to a charity selected by the member, and visit a private page that was created especially for them.

The ability to document this information is not free. Currently, the cost is a few pennies under $100 for a lifetime membership. The site also offers a 30-day free trial and a $19.95 annual membership.

But, the cost may be small for those who are not familiar with building Web sites and who often are provided the task of documenting a loved one’s life after that loved one has died. You may pay someone more than $100 to pull information together for you, such as a funeral home. Why not do this work yourself and enjoy the process while you’re at it? Geoffrey Dunn stated his fascination with Bcelebrated this past month when he wrote:

Since I’m a writer and archivist, I was placed in charge of getting all of their [loved ones] remembrances together, of selecting photos for their memorials and death notices, selecting music for their services, counseling the family about interment options and other matters related to these deaths.

It was a daunting task. I always wondered what photos these deceased friends and family members would have wanted selected, what music, what parts of their lives they would have wanted shared. In one instance a 93-year-old friend handed me a note in the hospital and asked me to complete a final task for him. I could not read his handwriting. I was blessed to be asked, but burdened by the possibilities and uncertainties.

Then, this past summer I discovered a remarkable new web site called BCelebrated. I realized immediately this site was the perfect cyber-age tool to eliminate much of the trauma and challenges that I had personally faced, both directly and as a support person, in recent years.

Debra Joy, CEO of Bcelebrated, stated, “When death comes – and it does for us all, the process of contacting everyone who knows you and presenting your life in the form of obituaries and public memorials will be left to others…unless you do it yourself. Bcelebrated allows you to define your own legacy, and will save your loved ones from the grief of coping with the small details of your life that, perhaps, only you would know.”

Bcelebrated allows users to design a template, biography, photo gallery, private pages for such items as notes to loved ones or an obituary that you want published and contacts. But, you are not finished until you add “activators,” which allow Bcelebrated to automatically send emails to your contacts when they receive notification of your death. Bcelebrated also provides loved ones with phone numbers for those who do not have email.

When your contacts are notified, they can log into Bcelebrated.com to read your last wishes and to post memorial information. They cannot gain access to your site to make changes, so you can rest assured knowing that your information is yours – not written by someone who may want to alter your life as you knew it.

You also can rest assured that Deathcare.com did not receive compensation for touting this site to our readers. We just think – for the price – that this is one way to help our readers take responsibility for end-of-life celebrations and decisions. Who knows you better than you, after all?

Tags: Funeral Arrangements, Obituary
Posted in Alternatives, Death Care News, Funeral Arrangements, Funeral Eulogies, Funeral Songs, Plan Your Own | No Comments »

Uber-Geek Funeral Ideas

Friday, October 2nd, 2009

TARDIS

Are you a geek? If so, you probably read Slashdot and you learned about the guy who went through the effort to put his brother’s cremains into a SPARCstation. Here is his post:

“I’ve not seen this topic covered here before even though it’s one that will concern us all at some time: what to do with our corporeal remains after we’ve left for that great data bank in the sky. For my recently departed brother (long illness, don’t smoke!), I thought this nice SPARCstation would be a cool place to spend eternity. Yes, he’s really in there (after cremation). I kept the floppy drive cover but for space reasons removed the floppy drive, hard drive, and most of the power supply. I left behind the motherboard and power switch and plugs to keep all openings covered. The case worked quite well at his memorial party. His friends and family were able to leave their final good-byes on post-notes. Anyone who wanted to keep their words private could just slip their note into the case through the floppy slot. All notes will be sealed in plastic and placed within the case. There has been one complication. His daughters like the look of it so much they aren’t now sure if they want to bury him. One more thing: the words on the plaque really do capture one of the last things he ever said. Of course as kids we watched the show in its first run.”

Of course, if you read Slashdot, you also need to read any comments made after a story. The comments often hold the real meat of any story in that Web site. In this case, we discovered at least three more stories within the comments – but instead of dragging this story out, we’ll just add some links to help you learn more about some uber-geek funeral ideas.

We learned that the “cocoon” is a favorite coffin for some readers, and that design can be found at UONO Coffins.
We also witnessed a debate about Cryonics, or the attempt to preserve and protect a body once a person has died in hopes that freezing a body one day will become reversible. Once company mentioned in the comments was Alcor.
As a Star Trek fan, how could you pass up an urn or casket designed specifically for Star Trek fans? Eternal Image holds these items at their Web site.
If you wonder what a TARDIS is, just read about this object at Wikipedia. For a short description, the TARDIS (Time And Relative Dimension(s) In Space) is a time machine and spacecraft in the British science fiction television program, Doctor Who. An image of the TARDIS is shown above. According to one comment, a Doctor Who fan in the UK was buried in a coffin that resembled a TARDIS.

Finally, we had to include this comment, as it fairly wraps up some geeky thoughts about designing your own geek funeral: “My father actually has it written that he wants bagpipe music and Admiral Kirk’s speech about Spock from Wrath Of Khan at his funeral.”

Tags: Cremation, urns
Posted in Alternatives, Cremation, Funeral Arrangements, Plan Your Own | No Comments »

Too Poor to Die? Some Solutions for a Funeral

Thursday, October 1st, 2009

The city morgue.

CNN Money today ran a report on a Detroit morgue where bodies were beginning to pile up from various results of the recession. Without jobs, people cannot afford a cremation, let alone the cost of a traditional burial. So, they leave the bodies at the city morgue, where – eventually – funds derived from various sources (including from other taxpayers) will allow the city to dispose of the human remains. The answer to these neglected remains usually means a burial in a potter’s field or cremation.

But, lack of funds is not the only reason for accumulation of cast-off bodies in larger cities. Higher crime rates, suicides and other deaths that occur as the result of lost jobs and poor outlooks to the future also add to the human cost. Detroit isn’t alone in this battle. Other large cities and regions of the country are hurting.

Representative Tom Perriello from Southside Virginia, for instance, is fighting the withholding of unemployment fund extensions in states with unemployment rates under 8.5 percent, as a statewide survey doesn’t jive with what has happened regionally during this economic downturn. While Virginia’s unemployment rate is low at 6.5 percent, there are regions in his district where unemployment ranges from 15.3 percent to 22.1 percent.

In other words, large cities and even larger regions of the country are struggling to make ends meet. When the death of a loved one occurs, that problem looms even larger for surviving family members and for local mortuaries. According to the Detroit story, one couple – the Vickers – had to leave a beloved aunt behind until they found a resolution to their problem:

The state, however, does have some funds available to assist with burial costs. For fiscal year 2009, Michigan allocated $4.9 million for assistance, and of that, approximately $135,500 remains. Those in need of assistance can find grant applications at Michigan Department of Human Services offices, most funeral homes, and at Michigan.gov/dhs.

The Vickers did not know about the funds until CNNMoney notified them. But, fortunately, they were eventually able to scrape together the $695 and will be able to cremate their aunt with help from Social Security, social services and their aunt’s church.

The way Darrell [Vickers] sees it, the stimulus package should have helped people in situations like this, rather than to “spark the economy and sell cars. We can’t take care of our own when it comes to laying them to rest and letting them rest in peace.”

Outside of possible state funds in your area, Social Security, social services and your local church, you can opt for planning now for your funeral and using the only free option available to dispose of earthly remains – a full body donation. But, even this option is available only if you fit certain criteria (not obese, for instance) or if you make plans beforehand to choose which company or organization you’d like to use for the donation and take the time to understand their limitations and guidelines.

A full-body donation to science does not cost anything, and often the cremation is included in the services. Some companies may even offer to provide funds for a memorial service, although they cannot pay to take your body. Some institutions may not transport your body across state lines, however, so if you die in a state other than your resident state, your loved ones may need to pay for transporting your body. And, if your religious beliefs deter you from choosing this option, you cannot take advantage of the least expensive funeral option on the market today.

But, you can still plan ahead. Seek out funds available through your state or region. Talk with a funeral director to determine other options as well. If nothing else is available, then you know – at the very least – that the taxpayers will pay for your funeral if you don’t mind staying on ice for a while at your local morgue. Of course, as the deceased, you’ll never know this is your fate. But, your loved ones may suffer as a result.

Tags: full body donation, morgues, recession
Posted in Alternatives, Cremation, Death & Dying, Death Care News, Funeral Arrangements, Plan Your Own | No Comments »

Classical Funeral Music: Adagio in G minor

Tuesday, September 29th, 2009

Have you ever attended a funeral where the music struck your soul? While funeral music choices often are selected by family members and chosen to suit the family members’ tastes, appropriate music can inspire and comfort guests as well as they celebrate a life passed and mourn that passing.

There’s nothing to stop you from planning your music for your own funeral. Some things to keep in mind when choosing funeral music include the venue for the funeral, whether you want a somber, religious or lighthearted mood and whether that music fits you personally. One reason to pick a venue for the funeral or memorial service first is possible restrictions on the type of music you can use. Some churces may not allow secular music within the church or within the service. In the latter case, you can use secular music before and after the service.

Classical music (which is considered secular in many venues) is one choice that many people lean toward, because instrumentals provide soothing background music. One example of a popular classical piece for funerals is included in the video above (just audio, no video for almost ten minutes). This piece is the Adagio in G minor by Albinoni, and Karajan conducts the Berlin Philharmonic for this piece.

Adagio in G minor for strings and organ continuo actually is a neo-baroque composition written by Remo Giazotto and first published in 1958. Supposedly, the piece was based upon a fragment of a second-movement continuo from a “Sonata in G Minor” by Tomaso Albinoni found among the Saxon State Library ruins in Dresden after it was firebombed by the Allies during World War II. However, according to Wikipedia, “since Giazotto’s death in 1998 it has emerged that the piece is all his composition, as no such fragment has been found or recorded to have been in possession by the Saxon State Library.”

While many people might think this piece is a time-honored classic, it actually is quite modern and has permeated popular culture after being used in movies such as The Trial and Gallipoli. Therefore, it has become a popular piece that underscores pain and tragedy, and – as such – has become a perfect musical background setting for many funerals.

Tags: Adagio in G minor, classical music
Posted in Funeral Arrangements, Funeral Songs, Plan Your Own | No Comments »

Death and Comedy – Chelsea Lately Plans a Funeral

Friday, September 25th, 2009

One way to deal with death is through comedy. Chelsea Lately, an American late night comedy talk show host on the E! network is notable for her sarcastic approach to anything serious – including death. Chuy Bravo, her assistant, participates with Lately in this particular episode, where Lately tries on a casket on for size as well as some funeral make-up.

Outside the slapstick (and bad lipstick in the second half of the video), note that the funeral director suggests cremation rather than burial (to which Chuy responds, “I told you before – I’m afraid of fire.”), an option that many funeral homes today are pushing. In this video, however, Lately seems to push the funeral director almost into fits of laughter, if not into downright shock.

The final decision is a casket, along with a DJ and pony rides for kids. Unfortunately, the funeral director states he has no control over a slight drizzle or rain as a mood setter for the funeral, nor does he have a rain machine. But, he did make it through the comedy routine.

Tags: comedy, death, pre-planning
Posted in Cremation, Death & Dying, Funeral Arrangements, Funeral Homes, Plan Your Own | No Comments »

Grief and Funeral Music is Available Online

Monday, September 14th, 2009

Traditional hymns are appropriate for funerals, as well as new music that reflects the life of the deceased.

Are you stumped for music for a somber occasion such as a funeral or viewing? No matter whether this music is for you or for a loved one, the choices are expanding to meet the demand for a market seeking alternatives to traditional suggestions. The following list is provided for your convenience, with an overview of what each source offers.

Channel Productions: Located in Idaho, this company is an independent record label that has been in business for over twenty years. You’ll discover piano music, classical guitar and more in songs that reflect folk, hymns, a broad classical repertoire and a bit of jazz.
Comfort Music: This company prides itself in being the “leading provider of innovative musical concepts for the funeral service profession.” Their history of the funeral music industry is interesting reading. Their catalogs are available for the general public to browse and includes categories for religious, contemporary, easy listening, ethnic, classical and patriotic and military music among other choices.
Griefsong: Paul Alexander is a singer, songwriter, psychotherapist, author, actor and performing artist who has shared his music and message of hope throughout the United States and Canada. For over ten years Paul’s bereavement work was in a hospice for terminally ill children journeying with the children and their families through the dying and the grief process. You now can gain access to Paul’s music through this site.
The Memorial Music Library: If you want to mix your own blend of music, you can do so here, where over 95 percent of the songs in this library are available at iTunes for about $.99 each. Some songs on this site are free to download directly from the site.

One way to choose music for a loved one is to think about that person’s life and to choose music that person liked. Even if other visitors to the viewing or funeral may not understand your choices, you have created a topic of conversation that can help others learn more about the deceased. Listen closely to the lyrics, however, so you don’t choose an inappropriate song for a funeral.

Tags: funeral music, iTunes
Posted in Alternatives, Funeral Arrangements, Funeral Songs, Plan Your Own | No Comments »

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