Posts Tagged ‘death’

Death and Comedy – Chelsea Lately Plans a Funeral

Friday, September 25th, 2009

One way to deal with death is through comedy. Chelsea Lately, an American late night comedy talk show host on the E! network is notable for her sarcastic approach to anything serious – including death. Chuy Bravo, her assistant, participates with Lately in this particular episode, where Lately tries on a casket on for size as well as some funeral make-up.

Outside the slapstick (and bad lipstick in the second half of the video), note that the funeral director suggests cremation rather than burial (to which Chuy responds, “I told you before – I’m afraid of fire.”), an option that many funeral homes today are pushing. In this video, however, Lately seems to push the funeral director almost into fits of laughter, if not into downright shock.

The final decision is a casket, along with a DJ and pony rides for kids. Unfortunately, the funeral director states he has no control over a slight drizzle or rain as a mood setter for the funeral, nor does he have a rain machine. But, he did make it through the comedy routine.

Open Courseware on Death and Dying

Thursday, June 18th, 2009

Do you want to learn more about aspects of death and dying, but don’t want to pay an arm and a leg for a college course? Take advantage of open courseware, then. These courses, offered by major universities, government entities and businesses, are courses offered online. While they offer little to no credit, they’re free and you can learn at your own pace.

The following short list of open courseware about death and dying provides some examples of what you can expect to find. The list is in alphabetical order, and we do not favor one course over another:

  • Death: This course examines a number of issues that arise once we begin to reflect on our mortality. Are we immortal, or does life really end at death? Discussions on suicide, attitudes toward death and other issues are offered by this Yale course.
  • Health Across the Life Span: Frameworks, Contexts, and Measurements: Johns Hopkins provides many excellent courses on health, and this one is an example. This course introduces and examines the basic principles that guide growth and development and the health of individuals across the lifespan, from the prenatal period through senescence.
  • Health Issues for Aging Populations: Another course from Johns Hopkins that introduces the study of aging, its implications for individuals, families, and society, and the background for health policy related to older persons.
  • Human Growth and Development: While addressing health care professionals, the layman can learn much about various developmental tracks that follow a person from birth to death.
  • Living with Death and Dying: The Open University provides a course that explores how knowledge and beliefs about death and encounters with death affect peoples’ lives.
  • Managing Long-Term Care Services for Aging Populations: This course reviews care and service systems from the unique perspective of an aging population, including the physiological and psychological changes common among seniors.
  • Medical Terminology: While not dealing with death and dying specifically, this course can help anyone (including nurses) understand more about the terms used by those in the healthcare profession.
  • Moral and Ethical Principles in End-of-Life Care: Another Open University course that addresses issues in hospice, or palliative care.
  • Moral Problems and the Good Life: MIT offers this course, which includes readings and lecture notes. Topics include: euthanasia, gay marriage, racism and racial profiling, free speech, hunger and global inequality.
  • Transitions into Residential Care: The Open University offers this course, which considers working with people in group care and residential settings.

Changing the Language of Death

Monday, April 27th, 2009

With the waxing popularity of hospice care for end-of-lfe support and health care, many hospitals, hospice or palliative care services and nursing homes are changing the language of death. In one specific incident, this language has changed from one of a negative connotation with a harsh reality to that of a positive tone and a natural process.

For years, do not resuscitate, or DNR, has been the designation for not prolonging life when a person’s heart stops beating or breathing stops. A new designation, allow natural death, or AND, is becoming the preferred term among some entities, including several hospitals within Lutheran Health Network.

Proponents of the AND designation say it creates for patients and medical staff a more positive approach. It is about what is allowed to occur as opposed to what is not to be done.

Sister Carole Langhauser, vice president of Mission Integration at St. Joseph Hospital. St. Joseph and Dupont Hospitals stated that this change is more than semantics – it’s a philosophy. After all, not one person escapes death, so why make it a negative experience for the dying and their loved ones?

Langhauser said physicians are embracing AND over DNR. A 2004 Hastings Center Report compared real-life accounts of two families dealing with end-of-life decisions. The family that was offered the option of signing DNR for a loved one in the event of cardiac arrest became upset and agitated. Another family facing the same dilemma but who was given the “allow natural death” option reported a better understanding of the option and the fact their loved one would be appropriately cared for.

If you’ve thought about your own death, how do you feel about the DNR? Would you want to put that onus on someone else if you were incapable of making a decision? Or, would you rather die a natural death in words, with those words imparting a philosophy to your loved ones that death is a natural part of life?

Either way, it’s the same process. The only difference is how it is worded.

The Beneficiary’s Guide to Life Insurance

Monday, April 13th, 2009

If you become the beneficiary of a life insurance policy, you must file a claim to receive any money. This task could be as simple is contacting an insurance agent and filing some paperwork. But, if this is all you do, you may eventually discover that you have missed out on other benefits to which you are entitled. If you spend time finding hidden policies, you may uncover more money than you expected.

For instance, your spouse or family member may have owned one or more permanent (whole life) or term life insurance policies. The first place to look is in a safety deposit box, where unknown policies might lie with other important papers. Some of these policies often are found within credit card statements. Although most of these policies are not large, you may find enough to pay for that funeral or to pay off several bills. If you’re not sure if your spouse or family member owned a policy and your agent can’t find one, you can contact the American Council of Life Insurance (ACLI). Its members can do a free search for you.

If you feel your loved one carried a group policy through work, you might then look for a certificate of insurance as proof. Look for these certificates in your spouse’s or family member’s personal papers, files, and safety-deposit box, if you can access it. You also can check with your spouse’s or family member’s employer, bank, or credit agency, or study loan paperwork or purchase contracts. Read the following sections for a list of types of group policies your spouse or family member may have owned.

The types of policies you might seek include:

  • Employer-based group life insurance
  • Accidental death and dismemberment policy
  • Travel accident insurance
  • Mortgage life insurance
  • Credit life insurance

When your spouse or a loved one has died, you should notify his or her life insurance company as soon as possible. Usually, you can call the insurance company’s policyholder services department directly, or if the life insurance policy was issued through an agent or an employer, you can ask them to notify the company for you to begin the claims process.

The steps to take to claim the insurance funds include:

  • Filing a claim and signing a proof of death form (be sure to have several copies of a death certificate for this process).
  • You may also need to fill out a Form W-9 (Request for Taxpayer Identification Number and Certification), which enables the insurance company to notify the Internal Revenue Service about any interest paid to you on the policy value.
  • Wait for the company to process the claim, which could take mere days or several weeks.
  • Receive the life insurance proceeds, which often are paid as lump-sum cash payments. If you elect to receive a lump-sum payment, you generally will not owe income tax on the life insurance proceeds that you receive as a beneficiary.
  • Other settlement options are available. It is best to talk with your insurance agent now, before something happens to you, to make arrangements for other options. Talk with your spouse, your kids and your loved ones to make sure they are insured. If they are, then talk with them about making a will. Preparations such as these are not easy for some people to accomplish, but they make life easier for those who are left behind.

The Pros and Cons of Green Funerals

Thursday, March 12th, 2009
Green Funeral or Traditional?

Green Funeral or Traditional?

“When we were back to our origins, we just fell down somewhere and were taken care of by animals, and we were spread around, and then we became soil again, and that was very natural.” ~ Susanne Wiigh-Masak

My brother, who is into an extreme green lifestyle, reminds his family occasionally how he’d like to die. He wants to trip into the great beyond while traipsing in the woods. Then, he wants no one to find him for a good three months or more. He figures that, by that time, the scavengers would have consumed his body and nothing will be left but bones. That, my friends, is the extreme in green death. Primal even.

While green deaths don’t come along too often, you probably have heard about green funerals. Green funerals have not become a common tradition, but enough interest has been generated in this type of burial that some funeral homes provide this option for their customers. Is this option for you?

A green funeral basically avoids all the chemicals and accouterments that belong to traditional funerals. You would avoid embalming, steel coffins, costly vaults and even headstones. Burial is in a biodegradable box or a shroud and no glues, metals or lacquers are used. Fernwood Funeral Home allows customers to mark loved ones’ graves with indigenous rocks, wildflowers, trees and shrubs. Since the graves blend in with the surroundings, each grave is set with a computer chip, archived in a computer system and on paper, and tracked via GPS device if loved ones want to return to pay respects.

Another option for green funerals is cremation, as many people now believe that a burial is a waste of land space. They may ask for their ashes to be scattered or even buried in the back yard. Sometimes, family members inherit their loved ones’ ashes, and those old bones often are forgotten as the family moves on. Sometimes I wonder how many people have left Aunt Sally’s “cremations” in the attic, or have stored them there as they ponder what to do with her.

Outside these petty issues, other larger problems exist that may hamper your desire for a green funeral:

  • Green funerals often are handled by family members, but in five states funeral directors are required to be involved in the funeral by law. Those states are Connecticut, Indiana, Louisiana, Nebraska and New York. This means that the funeral director must be paid and certain traditional burial customs might be enforced.
  • Embalming, or the avoidance of embalming, is an issue in some states. While embalming is not required in most states, some states, like Pennsylvania, require embalming if human remains are held for longer than 24 hours. Also, the body is required to be sealed in a container that will not let odors escape, or be refrigerated.
  • Cremation is an issue as well, especially if you learn that Maine crematories alone release about 20 pounds of mercury into the air each year, mostly from dental fillings that are vaporized. Mercury is a neurotoxin that can get into the food chain, but – at the same time – mercury is something that always stays in the environment, in one form or another.
  • On the other hand, more than 827,000 gallons of embalming fluid – made up mostly of formaldehyde, a suspected carcinogen – and 30-plus-million board feet of nonrenewable wood gets buried each year in the traditional funeral process.
  • Some states may restrict a green burial with a lack of places to bury a body that is not embalmed. Unless you are Jewish or Muslim (individuals who demand no embalming and a quick burial, but usually in graveyards set aside for their customs), you may learn that you don’t have a place to rest. This problem is changing, however. The Green Burial Council also has approved green burial cemeteries in seven states: New Jersey, New York, Ohio, Oregon, South Carolina, South Dakota and Washington.

As you can see, the problems involved with a green burial can be intimidating. At the same time, a trend is emerging, and resources now are available that can help you to overcome hurdles you might face in the green burial process. One place you can visit for support and answers outside the Green Burial Council mentioned above includes Crossings. They can, along with other advocates, help you to avoid scams and to learn about laws that you must abide by as you reach for the green burial of your dreams.

And, don’t worry. The scavengers won’t get you. Even if they did, you wouldn’t know.

Superstitions about Death and Dying

Monday, March 2nd, 2009

Fortune CookieDid you shiver when you saw the image at left? You may know, in your head, that the odds of dying on Tuesday are slim to none (we hope!), but superstitions are hard to shake sometimes. A superstition usually is a belief or notion that is not based upon reason or knowledge. Since death is the “great unknown,” death, dying and funerals became prime candidates for superstitious beliefs, even among educated people. Many superstitions, if believed across a wide range of population for a period of time, may become rituals.

The following superstitions, just a handful of hundreds of irrational beliefs about death and dying, have fallen by the wayside in many cases, but you might recognize a few that people still abide by today. For instance, do you know why you wear black to funerals? You’re simply following a tradition based upon an old superstition. Read on to learn more…

  • Pall bearers once wore gloves to handle caskets, as it was believed that the spirit of the deceased could enter the pall bearers’ bodies through their hands.
  • Some people grasp a button on their clothing when passing a hearse, as it is believed that the button will help that person stay “connected” to life rather than death.
  • The tradition of wearing black during a funeral began when it was firmly believed that the color black makes the living less visible to the spirit world.
  • On the other hand, if a person is buried in black, that person will return to haunt the family.
  • A bird that flies into the window of a house and dies is a horrible omen. This means some family member of that household soon will die. At one time, people believed that birds held human spirits.
  • Mirrors were thought to hold great power, so covering them with black crepe or velvet or turning the mirror toward the wall became habit for those who believed that the spirit of the deceased could enter the mirror and then enter the body of the next person to look into that mirror.
  • Family members and friends were encouraged to touch or kiss a corpse. It was (and still is) believed in many regions that touching the corpse prevents a person from dreaming or obsessing about the deceased. This touch often does help the living realize that a loved one is gone.
  • Many families would stop a clock in the house to indicate the passing of a loved one. After the funeral, the clock would be re-started to indicate a new phase in that family’s life.
  • Some people still hold their breath when passing a cemetery. The reason? To avoid breathing in the spirits of those buried at that cemetery.
  • Although the firing of guns at military funerals is seen as a sign of respect, this tradition may have its roots in the superstition that the ringing bells and shooting guns works to scare away other ghosts at the cemetery.

How to Write an Obituary

Monday, February 16th, 2009

During the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries, newspaper obituaries were flowery affairs and often contained poems and quotes. The writers would eulogize the deceased in terms that often described angels, even when some knew that that person was far from angelic. Today, price and space limit the obituary to a matter-of-fact short blurb that barely allows the family to let others know about the deceased’s character.

With such limited newspaper space and budget limitations for paid obituaries, it is important to learn how to write an obituary so you provide others with the information they need to help memorialize the dead easily. Obituaries, then, become mini-biographies that form a memorial, but that also contain important information for the general public such as time and date of the funeral or memorial service.

Some newspapers offer guidelines for writing obituaries, but many people don’t read these guides during a time of grief. Most funeral homes can provide a guide in the death care process, including the deadlines for publication for your local newspapers. This short guide can help you write an obituary easily and quickly as well:

  1. The journalist follows the five “w” rule, or the “who, what, when, where, why and how” for any news story. While you may not want to include why or how the deceased died or what happened in the meantime, you can use “who, when and where” to let people know who died, when they died, when the funeral will be held and where it will be held. This is the minimum information required for an obituary for it to be useful to others.
  2. To expand upon the above information, you can include any of this information: where and when the person was born, where they lived throughout their life, notable awards and times in their life, important hobbies, and where that person attended school.
  3. You can include the survivors, including parents, spouses, children and any other special individuals. Some individuals may or may not want to be recognized, so consider this and call the individual to ask. Also, divorces are tricky – do you name previous spouses? This decision might be made based upon current relationships between those families.
  4. You can include the pre-deceased within the family. Often, spouses are remembered by adding the adjective, “late” to the name, such as “Howard was married to the late Sophia Garrett Jones.” Including the spouses maiden name is nice for genealogists, but not absolutely necessary for inclusion.
  5. For those who prefer donations rather than flowers to memorialize the departed, make this information perfectly clear at the very end of the obituary. Include information such as an address or phone number for donations in memory of the deceased.

If you need more details, you can view this excellent guide on how to write obituaries. The writer includes some examples that are easy to follow and a template that makes writing an obituary very easy.

Finally, if you’re still stumped or too overcome with grief to write the obituary, find the family historian now, before you need to write anything. Most family historians (genealogists) have more information on hand than you probably could find within days, and they usually have a grasp on how to write an obituary. Most family historians feel honored when asked to help during a time of need, so let them carry the load for this task during your time of grief if possible.

How to Discuss Death with a Child

Wednesday, December 24th, 2008

I was young when my grandmother died, but I remember clearly how I felt. I was sad, but mostly I was scared. I didn’t know what had happened, and – in my family – children were the last ones to know about details. That experience finally led me to counseling, which was a great move. You see, that counseling taught me how to talk about death with my own daughter.

Instead of hiding details, we have dealt with death together a few times during her life. Kids become aware of death well before a family member or friend dies. Pets, birds, insects and roadkill all present opportunities to talk about death and dying. Children hear about death on television and they read about it in books. Death is a part of life and children know it exists. Grieving isn’t confined to adults – children grieve during separations, divorces and even when they lose or break a favorite toy.

So it helps to talk about death well before a loved one dies. What we say or when we say it will depend upon the child’s age and experience. Also, it will depend upon our own experiences, beliefs and feelings as parents. But, it is good to talk about death before a loved one dies, as the feelings that occur during burial preparation and a funeral often color how adults portray facts about death to children.

I have learned that talking about death with my daughter is an ongoing process. She understood death differently as a child than she does now as a teen. But, each time she experienced grief, she felt it the same as any adult. She felt the loss physically, emotionally, spiritually and cognitively, and she needed love, guidance and care the same as any grieving adult.

The best way to talk about death with a child is to be straightforward and honest. Ask local librarians if they have materials on hand to help you with your explanations, as you want to keep it simple. Use an experience, such as the loss of a pet, to open dialogues with a child.

Help that child express his or her feelings about death. Leave openings for them to talk about their feelings or to ask questions. Don’t hide your own feelings, as your child probably knows you better than you know yourself. When you hide your feelings, that child may believe that you are lying about your thoughts as well. That’s not a great way to build trust.

Please don’t tell a child how to feel, as they will experience grief in his or her wn way. The last burden a child needs is to believe that their grief is “wrong” because it isn’t how you said it would be. Grief is personal, and it varies from person to person and from child to child.

Lastly, don’t presume that a child with ‘get over it.’ My experience led me to counseling almost two decades after my grandmother died. I don’t blame my parents for their lack of empathy, as they did what they felt was right at the time. But, I won’t repeat that same experience with my daughter. If your child needs help to wade through his or her grief, bring other loved ones in to help or find a support group or counseling to help provide comfort and care.

Although talking with a child about death isn’t the easiest thing in the world to accomplish, the experience may bring you both closer together. And, that’s what living is all about.

How to Physically Care for a Dying Loved One

Monday, December 15th, 2008

If your loved one is dying, there are many things you can do to help ease their physical transition from life to death. One option is to hire a caregiver who will provide help for you and your loved one. And, yes, you can take an active role in providing care for your loved one during the final days, no matter where that loved one spends those last days.

  • Home Care: Some people prefer to die at home, surrounded by familiarity. You can take on the role of the caregiver, but you may find the tasks overwhelming. If you can hire a home service to help you, you may find that you can spend more quality time with your loved one.
  • Hospice: Hospice care can be applied in a variety of settings, but the majority of this care occurs in the home in the United States.
  • Hospital: Some dying patients might prefer to die in a hospital, surrounded by professional help. Many hospitals encourage loved ones to be present and to help care for their loved one.
  • Nursing Home: This is an option for patients who might need more advanced care. Some patients also may choose this option to remove the burden of care from families. But, you can attend to your loved one here, and some nursing homes allow hospice workers to help as well.

No matter the setting, it helps to recognize some physical symptoms that the dying loved one may experience immediately prior to death. Although you cannot prolong life with counteractions, you can make your loved one more comfortable. The symptoms and counteractions listed below usually occur after the loved one has lost the ability to get out of bed.

  • Confusion and agitation: Speak in short phrases and in simple words. You might repeat your name and the names of people in the room and remind your loved one of the date and time. There’s no need to shout your words, unless the loved one is hard of hearing. In fact, your loved one’s hearing may become heightened during the final days and it is the last sense to leave, so be aware that – even if you talk in whispers from across the room – your loved one may hear you.
  • Restlessness and agitation: Create a quiet and peaceful atmosphere with music and dim light. Try to keep the number of people in the room at a minimum.
  • No longer hungry or thirsty: Resist your desire to force your loved one to eat or drink, but have a glass of water on hand with a straw if your loved one desires a drink. In some cases, ice chips may be necessary if the loved one cannot keep food or liquids down or if he or she can no longer swallow. Finally, keep your loved one’s lips moist with a sponge or soft cloth. Use lip balm or some other protection to protect lips from chapping.
  • Labored breathing: Unless the patient complains of pain, keep the head of the bed raised and re-position your loved one every few hours. As a patient, that loved one may have medications that can help with breathing difficulties. The doctor or caregiver will help in that situation. Sometimes, fresh air will help the situation. Open a window if possible or use a fan to circulate air in the room. Also, an application of oxygen often can help with labored breathing.
  • Pauses in breathing: While asleep or awake, your loved one may miss a beat or two as they breathe. These breathing patterns also may change in depth of breathe. Usually, your loved one isn’t aware of these changes, as they are natural in the body’s progress toward death. Known as Cheyne-Stokes respirations, this type of breathing usually is seen in comatose individuals who have diseased nervous centers of respiration, or who are close to death.
  • Rattled breathing: This noise, often called “the death rattle,” is the result of fluids building up in the lungs or airways. This congestion may or may not continue, as your loved one may or may not live long enough for the fluid to dry up as the body becomes more dehydrated. Once again, medications such as atropine and scopolamine can help ease or control the congestion if your loved one feels uncomfortable.
  • Incontinence: As muscles begin to relax, your loved one may lose control of urine and bowels. If incontinence becomes a major problem, the patient’s doctor may use a catheter to help keep your loved one dry. Otherwise, check often to maintain that dryness and comfort and use incontinence pads and diapers to help keep your loved one dry and comfortable.
  • Vision reduced or blurry: Dim the lights and stand or sit where your loved one can best see you.
  • Reduced warmth in extremities: As death approaches, your loved one’s extremities will react to a reduction in circulation. Arms and legs may swell, become cool to the touch, and may begin to appear blue. Use blankets or a sheet to help keep your loved one warm. The bluish cast, called “mottling,” is one of the clearest signs that death is approaching. Eventually, this coloration will spread to earlobes and lips.
  • A reversal of symptoms: If your loved one seems to gain energy and coherence, it is a signal to gather together loved ones to say goodbye. This symptom may last days or mere hours, and it may be confusing for family members. This final surge of energy usually is not a true reversal of death to life…it’s often represents a normal symptom of the last stage of dying.

Remember that, even in a coma, your loved one may hear you. Continue talking in a calm and soothing tone and reassure your loved one that you will stay with him or her. If your loved one hasn’t become sensitive to touch, you can stroke his or her hands, feet or hair to reassure that person that you are nearby. At the same time that you express your love and reassurance, it is just as proper to tell your loved one that it is all right to let go.

Finally, some people might prefer to die alone or they may not want family present. Although you may feel slighted by this request, remember that it is that person’s journey from life to death – not yours. Although your loss will be extremely difficult, you can find comfort in knowing that you provided the very best of care and abided by your loved one’s wishes during that person’s final days.

Does Grieving Ever End?

Friday, December 5th, 2008

Grieving - does it ever end?If you’re familiar with the stages of grief, then you know that grieving is a process. A person can get ’stuck’ in a stage or move two steps forward and one step back. Therefore, grief is a personal issue and the feelings involved with grieving can vary in length. In other words, grief lasts as long as it lasts.

For those who are stuck in any stage of the grieving process, counseling with a professional who understands grief can help you push through to the next level. This inability to move forward can be caused by many factors, including age, maturity, a person’s personality and coping style, physical and mental health, spiritual and religious background and support, family dynamics and other stressors and life experiences. For instance, you may think you’re prepared for your 96-year-old grandfather’s death, but if you’re going through a divorce, moving, have recently lost a job or if you’re involved in some other stressful situation, that death may hit you like a ton of bricks. Compound losses often are more difficult to handle.

If a loss is important, the grief reactions will be stronger. Experts suggest that a person who experiences a significant loss should try to limit the number of life changes during that time. Rational thought may be impaired by grief, and losses that occur with rash decisions can compound grieving. When you feel that you can make rational decisions, then your grieving may be subsiding.

People who seek help during the grieving process, whether it comes from professional counselors, group therapy or support groups, often report that their grieving process becomes less painful and more meaningful with that support. Each stage of the grieving process then becomes a personal experience that can be experienced fully with others. Plus, with support, often that support person or group can help you recognize when you’ve reached acceptance of a loss.

Sometimes a person does not want to let go of grief for fear that a loss of hurt might mean that the loss will be forgotten. Grief, however, never truly ends, especially if that hurt was deep. A person may feel that he or she is through with grieving, and then a song, a scene from a movie or a ‘deja vu’ event will trigger a bittersweet sadness. But, with each recurrence of that grief, the pain will lessen. Finally, with acceptance of a real or percieved loss, the grief will subside until it doesn’t interfere with everyday living.