Posts Tagged ‘Grief Loss and Bereavement’

Grieving? Get Online Advice from a Hospice

Thursday, June 25th, 2009

Grief

Grief

What better place to find information on grief and grieving than through a hospice site? A hospice is geared to helping people transition from life to death and to helping families ease the pain of loss.  The following list is comprised of ten great sites that contain information about how to handle the grieving process for yourself or for others. They are listed in alphabetical order:

  1. A Guide to Grief: Although this Web site is not connected to any organization, their information on grief and grieving is extensive.
  2. Are you grieving? The Hospice Yukon offers some advice on grieving and loss.
  3. Grief: The Price We Pay For Love: Twin Lakes Hospice offers information on the stages of grief as well as tips on how to handle your grieving process.
  4. Helpful Advice for the Grieving Person: Hospice of Morongo Basin provides some very helpful hints on how to deal with the grieving process.
  5. HFA Grief Resource Page: These resources are offered by the Hospice Foundation of America. Take some time to read their December E-newsletter look at grief during the holidays linked at that page.
  6. I Know Someone Who is Grieving: Hospice of Santa Barbara answers all types of questions about grief and offers advice on how to help friends and relatives who are grieving.
  7. Myths and Realities: Hospice of Michigan offers some advice from their online grief counseling pages. If you live in the area, you also can take advantage of group activities that can help you through the grieving process.
  8. The Grieving Persons Bill of Rights: According to Lion Hospice, ” You are the one who is grieving, and as such, you have certain “rights” no one should try to take away from you.
  9. The Grieving Process: Hospice Family Care also covers the signs of grief, things to do for yourself and thing you can do for others to help them through the grieving process.
  10. The Grieving Teen: Teens grieve deeply but often work very hard to hide their feelings. Learn more from the American Hospice Foundation about how to handle this special grief. This is just one part of their larger Grief Center online.

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How to Discuss Death with a Child

Wednesday, December 24th, 2008

I was young when my grandmother died, but I remember clearly how I felt. I was sad, but mostly I was scared. I didn’t know what had happened, and – in my family – children were the last ones to know about details. That experience finally led me to counseling, which was a great move. You see, that counseling taught me how to talk about death with my own daughter.

Instead of hiding details, we have dealt with death together a few times during her life. Kids become aware of death well before a family member or friend dies. Pets, birds, insects and roadkill all present opportunities to talk about death and dying. Children hear about death on television and they read about it in books. Death is a part of life and children know it exists. Grieving isn’t confined to adults – children grieve during separations, divorces and even when they lose or break a favorite toy.

So it helps to talk about death well before a loved one dies. What we say or when we say it will depend upon the child’s age and experience. Also, it will depend upon our own experiences, beliefs and feelings as parents. But, it is good to talk about death before a loved one dies, as the feelings that occur during burial preparation and a funeral often color how adults portray facts about death to children.

I have learned that talking about death with my daughter is an ongoing process. She understood death differently as a child than she does now as a teen. But, each time she experienced grief, she felt it the same as any adult. She felt the loss physically, emotionally, spiritually and cognitively, and she needed love, guidance and care the same as any grieving adult.

The best way to talk about death with a child is to be straightforward and honest. Ask local librarians if they have materials on hand to help you with your explanations, as you want to keep it simple. Use an experience, such as the loss of a pet, to open dialogues with a child.

Help that child express his or her feelings about death. Leave openings for them to talk about their feelings or to ask questions. Don’t hide your own feelings, as your child probably knows you better than you know yourself. When you hide your feelings, that child may believe that you are lying about your thoughts as well. That’s not a great way to build trust.

Please don’t tell a child how to feel, as they will experience grief in his or her wn way. The last burden a child needs is to believe that their grief is “wrong” because it isn’t how you said it would be. Grief is personal, and it varies from person to person and from child to child.

Lastly, don’t presume that a child with ‘get over it.’ My experience led me to counseling almost two decades after my grandmother died. I don’t blame my parents for their lack of empathy, as they did what they felt was right at the time. But, I won’t repeat that same experience with my daughter. If your child needs help to wade through his or her grief, bring other loved ones in to help or find a support group or counseling to help provide comfort and care.

Although talking with a child about death isn’t the easiest thing in the world to accomplish, the experience may bring you both closer together. And, that’s what living is all about.

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How to Cope with a Co-Worker’s Death

Friday, December 19th, 2008

When you apply for a job, you may not realize at first that your co-workers eventually become your extended family. Over time, office parties, get-togethers and even over-the-cubicle interactions bond employees. While these relationships may differ from our family and friends, they still build bonds of trust and intimacy. This is why a co-worker’s death can be difficult to handle, especially if you were close to that person.

You may experience feelings of anxiety and guilt if the death occurred in the workplace or if your last interaction with that person was unpleasant. Even if the co-worker’s death resulted from a long illness, you may experience shock and denial upon hearing the news.

When a co-worker leaves the workplace forever, you may experience both emotional and physical symptoms. These feelings will vary, depending upon how well you knew the co-worker, your personal beliefs about death and spirituality and the suddenness of the loss.

Emotionally, you may feel disoriented, distracted and sad or angry. These feelings can result in lack of focus on your work and mistakes in your performance. These reactions may become safety hazards, especially if you work in manufacturing or production with heavy equipment or machinery. These feelings may even affect your concentration as you drive to and from work.

Outside the possibility that you might create a dangerous environment for yourself and others, a sudden loss of a co-worker can impact your physical health. Sleep may seem elusive or you may feel constantly tired. You may lose your appetite or eat without thinking. Sleep and eating pattern changes can alter how you feel, and these changes are challenging for those individuals who already suffer from high-blood pressure, diabetes or other health problems.

Prolonged grief can lead to depression and/or inappropriate anger. Both feelings can affect your health as well, leading to heart disease, obesity or eating disorders and other diseases as your feelings begin to affect your immune system.

Losing yourself in your work is not an answer, as repressed feelings also affect your physical health. You can risk entering a state of physical and mental exhaustion that could cause neurological problems. Self-medication is a popular release from these feelings, but that plan of action may lead to drug or alcohol addiction.

What can you do to relieve these emotional and physical symptoms? First, realize that grieving takes time, and it helps to recognize the symptoms of the grieving process. You can reach out to other co-workers so that you all can share feelings. They may be experiencing the same symptoms as you, and mutual support can provide relief.

If it hasn’t been offered, inquire about Employee Assistance Programs. These programs often utilize counselors who can offer a supportive environment for the office. These same counselors often can help employees with gestures to the co-worker’s family in their time of grief. And, they can help arrange schedules so that employees can attend a visitation or funeral if the family allows, or plan a memorial for co-workers to attend if desired.

Finally, learn about H.A.L.T., a tool that many addicts adopt to avoid using again. When you never get too “Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired,” you can learn to cope with grief and loss with on much healthier emotion and physical terms.

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On Death and Dying: Stages of Grief

Monday, November 24th, 2008

Depression is one stage of the grief process.Until the 1970s, many physicians were intent on keeping the living alive, rather than listening to patients’ death wishes. That changed when Elisabeth Kubler-Ross began to listen to the dying and to their family members. Her extensive work led to the book, On Death and Dying, in 1969.

Dr. Kubler-Ross first introduced and explored the idea of the five stages of dealing with death. Through sample interviews and conversations in this book, she provides the reader with a better understanding of how death affects the patient, the patient’s family, and the professionals who serve the patient. Now, Kubler-Ross’ stages of grief are used in many situations where a person deals with real or imagined loss – including alcohol and drug rehabilitation, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and amputation.

Here are the five stages of grief, along with a brief explanation on how a person who has been diagnosed with a terminal illness might react:

Denial and Isolation: When a person faces news that is a shock, such as a diagnosis of a terminal illness, the first reaction is denial. This is the body’s natural reaction to news that proves unbearable. Some patients, for instance, may react by ignoring treatments or by ignoring a doctor’s advice. Family members may become frustrated or frightened over the patient’s cavalier attitude during this phase. The patient also may try to isolate others, so that patient cannot hear the truth from others.

Anger: Once the patient begins to experience symptoms of that disease, or once the reality of treatment options begins to sink in, the patient may become angry. “Why me?” is the question, and no amount of comfort may dent this anger. Anger is an emotion that arises when someone wants something to change, but a terminal illness is difficult to change. On the bright side, a terminally-ill patient who shows anger means that this person has moved beyond denial.

Bargaining: When the patient realizes that anger isn’t going to change anything, a phase begins where a patient begins to bargain against the problem. A religious person might bargain with God, asking for a cure if only the patient changes his or her ways. Other patients may begin to explore other treatment options in hopes that alternatives will cure them. Family members may become worn out during this phase, as the patient often becomes peevish or overactive in their search for a way out of the disease.

Depression: All phases of grief are heartbreaking to the family member, but this phase, perhaps, is the most disheartening. The patient loses interest in treatment and sincerely doesn’t care about the present or the future. Guilt also figures in this phase, as the patient begins to feel responsible for the sadness and, even for the disease. Guilt is anger turned inward, against the person who feels it. Depression is a result of deep guilt and anger. While family members may feel as helpless as the patient at this point, remember that this is the last stage before the patient accepts the current situation.

Acceptance: A patient can reach acceptance at any point, but some people take longer than others to reach this goal. Family members may need to face the possibility that their loved one may never reach this phase before death. On the other hand, acceptance of death and dying may come months before the actual death and it may come on the actual deathbed. In this phase, the patient is ready for whatever happens next.

Remember that family members also go through the five stages of grief upon news about a family member’s illness or death. This is why many professionals suggest counseling for entire families that are involved intimately with death and dying. This counseling is affective even for those who have lost a limb or mobility or for family members who face difficulties dealing with their loved ones’ losses.

To get ’stuck’ in any one of the phases is a possibility as well, so counseling can help many people move into the next phase. Grief, after all, is a healing process and – like any other healing process – progress can move forward and backwards at unpredictable rates. But, one of the best medicines for moving forward (even for the terminally ill patient) is to take care of yourself with good self-care habits.

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